Monday, May 31, 2021

When Anxiety Consumes You.

 I've been on medication for anxiety for the better part of 13 years.  I've been amazed how well the medication has worked, as I know it doesn't help everyone.  The past handful of months the medication has seemed to lack some of it's power.  Anxiety has been creeping in a bit more and more into my life.  I know everyone has some form of anxiety but when it consumes you it becomes overwhelming.  Sometimes I feel like I have noise canceling headphones on, oblivious to anything going on around me, consumed in my thoughts.  Then there is the tightening of the chest, shortness of breath, and the nervous stomach.  Fun times.

With the upcoming Unbound XL my anxiety is ridiculous.  I don't think it's any one thing around the event but a combination of things.  Brinna's upcoming Grad Party, being gone a stretch of time, conference track meet, work, family, etc.  The race itself is not the concern.  I'm in shape and ready to ride.  But do I want to?  I feel this is all superficial "life" events that everyone deals with.  I guess I'm just not that good at it.  Anxiety can be the real deal.  Luckily riding helps and I still love it.  Maybe that's partly why I ride so much?!  

All that said I'm seriously still on the fence regarding Unbound.  While I know I'll have a good time, is it worth the angst I put on myself prior to said event?  Will I have more anxiety if I don't go?  What will 350 miles of solo riding be like if I'm strong out with anxiety?  Will I be letting my buddies down I'm going with?  Again, in the grand scheme of things this is all very banal.  But when you can't control your thoughts and anxiety it becomes a bit more cumbersome.

But know I'm fine.  It helps if I share and it may help others if I share as well.

Ride On.

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